Too Many Hands on My Time

So this is the first of my posts on my old blog which I'm bringing over to this one. This is from way back in from August.

I was driving home from my boyfriend’s parents’ house yesterday when one of my old favourite songs came onto my stereo. I use an old iPod for my car - I upgraded last year but was far too attached to my old music collection to just throw it out, so it was relegated to the glove compartment. I just love it, because I’m forever rediscovering old music I’d forgotten about.

This little gem was no exception - a Rush song, a band I was pretty heavily into a few years ago because of their amazing guitar riffs/solos/incredible drummer and brilliant lyrics. This song is called ‘The Analog Kid’, and as I drove over the Pennines thinking about the stunning views (apart from the motorway, obviously) and singing away it hit me how perfectly some of the lyrics suited my current situation.

I hate saying that lyrics ’sum up’ how I feel - it’s such a cliche - but this is true. The lines that really stood out for me are these:

When I leave, I don’t know
What I’m hoping to find;
And when I leave I don’t know
What I’m leaving behind…

Which is “so true for my life right now”, to use the worst offender of cliches. The past few weeks I’ve just been packing my childhood into boxes, sending it to charity shops and dustbins. It’s both therapeutic and upsetting. In some respects, removing all the clutter makes my life - as well as my room - clearer. Only truly important stuff is left. Letting go of stuff I used to treasure is quite hard, especially as I feel almost as though I’m also packing up that safety net we have as children. I know I’m lucky in that I’ve had a very spoiled childhood - not just materially but in terms of my education, my hobbies, the friends I made, the places I visited, etc. But that makes it all the harder to let go! What would happen if I stayed and trained here instead and got a job near my family, maybe even teaching some of them in a few years? I know exactly what I’m leaving behind - a great support network of family I adore - and I think it’s only natural that part of me wishes it could be different. But I have to grow up sometime.

Having said that, I’m aware that my incredible luck seems to be continuing. The reason for my epic migration* is that everything is falling into place, and ‘it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I might be moving away from my parents, but I’m moving in with the monst wondeful boy I could ever hope to meet and I just know that we’ll be happy. When Mum and I first discussed my moving away, way back last May when I started to look around universities, we talked about how the postgraduate course I’m starting this September is available in every city in the country. After all, schools - and therefore teachers - are everywhere! But my boyfriend, whom I met whilst we were studying our undergraduate degrees, is only available in one city. It might be a few hundred miles away and somewhere I’ve never been to (before he moved there) but it’s also where he is, and that made the decision for me. Mum said I’d be a fool not to go - guys that amazing don’t come around often, so throwing away such happiness without trying would just be daft. And (as always), she was right. I’d have regretted it forever - even if in the future it all goes disastrously wrong (I’m praying it won’t!), I’d still argue it - he - was worth the risk. I couldn’t have not tried. I don’t honestly know why I felt so sure that it was the right thing to do, but I remain convinced. Call it “woman’s intuition” if you must!

As soon as I’d decided I wanted to move, yet again everything just ‘happened’ for me. My first choice of university accepted me virtually immediately, and then despite a ‘lengthy waiting list’ I was offered a livery stable at the first yard I visited. And both the university and the stables seem lovely - which mean I’m even more excited about moving down. It’s not just about being with my (amazing) boyfriend - it’s also about actually achieving something with my time, too.

So, this is what I’m ‘hoping to find’ when I get down there! That everything will continue to run smoothly. Sure the course will be difficult; juggling assignments, a horse and still finding time for my boyfriend will probably be awkward too sometimes but it’ll only be temporary and it’s all for a good reason. With everything looking so beautiful on the surface though, I’m just praying that my luck will continue. I do recognise how fortunate I am, but also how fragile it could be. Jane Austen wrote (in Pride and Prejudice?) that ‘a woman’s reputation is as fragile as it is beautiful’, but it’s not just her reputation - it’s true of her entire life, her whole existence.

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*Nothing like a bit of understatement.